Thursday, January 9, 2020

Constant state of overwhelmed

Ok, so I know it my appear that everything is rosey and perfect and bikes and babie and bliss over in our corner of Silverado, but in an effort to keep it real I have to admit I am operating in a constant state of 'overwhelmed' right now. I know this is completely my fault, because I've committed myself to too many things, but no matter how many years go by with me acknowledging that I have a tendency to overdo, somehow I keep overdoing.

Some things that are making me anxious/feeling overwhelmed: 

Coaching unified track again this year - I don't know how to say no, and although I LOVE the kids and the team and the whole concept of unified sports I have to admit I still feel under qualified. And mostly I don't feel like I have the energy for all the work I should do in order to do a GOOD job at it. And mostly it's just a huge time commitment. When track starts I have to stay at school until 3pm, and then hustle home because Brendan needs to get to work and I need to watch a baby. It means I will need to pump more at work and I probably can't bike commute as often. It means all my workouts will end up happening after dark on a trainer. And all this isn't the worst thing ever, it's just hard and new and yeah, overwhelming. 
Training to be a bike racer again - Yeah, I know this is completely on me and at any moment I can pull the plug and just NOT do it, but it's like this is part of me that I can't give up just yet. I don't know if it makes sense that I don't feel complete without training and racing, like it's a critical part of who I am, of what makes my soul happy. But at the same time it stresses me out to no end. It means I need to sleep more, be more diligent about having a 'clean' diet, to be super on top of hydration and rest so I can execute the work coach gives me. I love it, but I'm constantly questioning if it's the right thing to be doing right now, if it's selfish or ok. And the biggest stressor is that I'm worried Brendan is secretly frusty with me for being gone each time I ride (which is RIDICULOUS because he legit told me over Christmas that my dream is his dream and he wants me to train) and even if it's not true I can't turn that voice off in my mind that says 'he's really pissed at you for being gone'. 

Breastfeeding - I LOVE that I am able to breastfeed the nugget, but working and training makes me stressed that any day my boobs might dry up and stop producing (which takes us back to 'should I be training in the first place?'). I hope it doesn't sound like complaining because I know I'm super lucky to be breastfeeding at all, but just for the sake on honesty it's stressing me out. 
Kitchen is 95% done!

Flipping and selling the house - This one is improving, but there is an overwhelming amount of work to be done on the yard which is just plain... overwhelming. At this point there is no looking back and we will list the house done or not in February, but I just want to see what the house could be if all the projects I want to do get completed, and letting go of that is hard. 






So yeah, feeling the feels right now. At the end of the day though I do think that doing hard things is worth it, and I want our daughter to grow up knowing that it's valuable to do hard things, to work hard, to not back down from challenges. But at the same time I don't want to model the idea that you have to be over the top busy to have value in this world. Balance, I'm still seeking it. And honesty/vulnerability, it's better that running around pretending that I am the master of all the things when really I'm just kinda a mess haha. 

2 comments:

  1. You can do more than you think you can!

    You’re amazing! Always have always will.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Keep going badass momma! We appreciate your honesty!!

    ReplyDelete