Monday, March 18, 2019

Pregnancy thoughts

Ok, I know I JUST posted about being preggo yesterday, but I have been keeping so many thoughts to myself for so long, and I just kinda need to get them out there. So here goes :)

Remember that time I rode from SF to LA?
Feels like a lifetime ago :(
I know this is insane, but I can't help feeling like I've been letting 'people' down by not riding my bike 1,000 miles with 40,000ft ascent a week for the last three months. People still come up to me, or message me and say:
"Your rides are so inspiring!" 
and stuff like that, and I know what they mean but I can't help thinking in my head
'not anymore' 
as if part of me is dead.
I guess because I used to define myself by those epic rides and adventures, and now my sense of self has totally shifted, leaving me a little less confident and lost feeling sometimes. You can't identify as the insane girl who rides longer and harder every weekend if you only ride 12 miles to work each day 4 days a week. I know in my head I still have value as a human if I don't do insane things that get people's attention, but wow, what a dramatic/sudden shift.

When you ride 135 miles you get to eat all the ice cream,
not when you are preggo though! hahahaa

Just a small observation maybe only I struggle with... but it's crazy hard to go from being a super athletic person who can pretty much eat whatever they want to having kinda restricted physical activity and suddenly I am hungry all the time but the dr says I should only be gaining about a pound a week.
Apparently this 'eating for two' thing is a myth (although I wanted to punch the dr for ruining all my pregnancy hopes and dreams when she said this) and now I feel crazy guilt when I eat chocolate or candy because I'm fueling a human, but then I CRAVE sour gummies and I can't resist them and aAAAAHRRHRRRCGH :) Haha, anyway, I know I can still workout, ride bikes etc... but I'm trying to listen to my body more, sleep a lot, and dial back my spaz, and that means I can only eat about 2,000 calories a day. Considering I used to eat 3,000-3,500 that basically means I'm on a diet! Hahahahahahaha on life, you are so strange.

Remember that time I was on the Bonk Breaker Tranquilo ride and I was telling everyone within earshot that I was so' fat' that I finally had boobs? Well I should have realized that was because I was growing a baby, but I just thought I had gained weight since La Ruta, ahaha. Oh man, if I had only known all winter why my body was acting so strange!
Won't be doing this on May 5th :(

Ok, last thought for the day: FOMO. I have to ACTIVELY remind myself all day that it it perfectly ok to miss BWR and Leadville this year. That it will be so worth it on Aug 28 to hold my kiddo and all that good stuff because geeze is it hard to think about how May 5th I will loose that crown, and become just a past winner, there will be all kinds of waffles eaten and celebrations of badassery and I will be sitting around eating ice cream not riding a bike. It's ok. There was going to be a day eventually when I couldn't continue, but in all honesty I'm sad to be missing out. Maybe I should keep this to myself, because it reveals a deep character flaw, or unreasonably inflated ego, but I'm being honest here, give me some slack :)

Ok, enough real talk for now. Time to go work on the bathroom, because heavens knows we really need to finish working on our house now!!!

7 comments:

  1. I appreciate you sharing this and I completely know where you are coming from (and I have been there myself). We get good at something and it becomes our identity. For me it was gymnastics, then swing dancing, engineering, etc. But none of that can compare to bringing a tiny human into the world and then raising it up! FYI, if it's any encouragement to you, I taught swing dance lessons up until the end of my pregnancy and then again the week after baby came. But my life will never look the same like it did pre-kids because my priorities have shifted and I am ok with that. You are going to be an amazing mom and I can't wait to hear about the adventures you are going to have!

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  2. Oh and... CONGRATULATIONS! I forgot to say that!

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  3. Embrace the new adventure. This is going to be the luckiest kid on the planet. Mom's a "Badass" teacher and Dad makes sure the "Wheels" stay on the bus. Perfect!

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  4. Sometimes a break is necessary to reevaluate changes in life goals....embrace the change, adjust goals as necessary, do not take life too seriously and enjoy life.

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  5. Your struggles are real and I can only tell you from experience as a pregnancy fitness pro that has worked with preg pro car racers, marathon runners, and other very intense female athletes that scaling back and shifting the focus to growing a baby can be difficult. I like to look at it like this: if you were a candle, you have just the right amount of energy (wax to burn) each day to the necessary things at hand (and keep that fire burning). When more is devoted in one area, the rest gets put on hold. Common sense. Shifting the intensity can be fun and different. There are things that are better for your body now that you need to be strong in new ways for labor and post partum. You can still feel and look great while preparing for motherhood in new ways without giving it all up. It's great that you can share openly and easily about what you'll be missing. I know you will get it all back, most do, and you will get a new addition to your fan club❤️

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